The Wizarding World's FAQ
by i'd sink us to swim
Summary: A compilation of FAQ and the answers given by the kind wizards of the wizarding world. This book will provide you all the answers to all the questions wizards ever asked the Ministry. Please submit your questions to get them answered. COMPLETELY AU
1. The Minister's Announcement

_This is a new fic that I just had to post. It will be really easy for me. It will most likely be a piece to work on when I'm stuck on my other's. _

_There is something I ask of you readers... I need really weird questions. I am going to have each person ever mentioned in HP in this fic answering a few questions. I derived this idea from a few fics similar to this. These include _Dumbledore's List, The Marauders' Advice Thingy, _and _The Questionaire. _These are really good fics. I'm sorry that I don't have the author names, but these are very unique stories and if you were to search them I am sure you would be able to spot them in an instant. _

_Anyways... If you have a strange question... One that requires brain to answer or one that is opinion-y, please share. _

_There will be a _LOT_ of chapters as each chapter will be a new person. _

_I hope you enjoy this._

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the sick, twisted way my mind works and twists these characters. Everything else is J.K. Rowling's._**

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><p><em>Daily Prophet 25 August 1987 <em>

_**Message from the Minister**_

_**(Minutes taken by Rita Skeeter)**_

"Hello. As you know, I am Cornelius Fudge, your Minister of Magic. I have an important announcement to make. Due to the increase in questions and the lack of people to answer them here at the Ministry, we will be passing out frequently asked questions to everyone in the wizarding population and having them answer these questions. We will compile all the answers into a book entitled _The Wizarding World's FAQ_. I came up with that myself. Creative, huh?

"Ah, yes, anyways… We hope that you will take the time to do your research and answer these questions to the best of your ability. This will hopefully decrease the amount of questions being sent to the Ministry. We are hoping to have this book finished and published in the year two-thousand-five, though there is the possibility of it taking longer.

"Our hope at the Ministry of Magic is that this book will answer all of your questions. In order for this to work, we ask that you send all of your questions to the Ministry within the next five days. Forms will be sent out with the questions you must answer on September 1st. This will hopefully not be an inconvenience."

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><p><em>Next will be people from the Marauders' Era. Did you notice the date at the top? Uhuh... yup. Started in the Marauders' Era to all the way in Harry's Fifth Year <em>at least. _I may go on to next gen depending on the popularity of this story. _

_I babbled on a lot this time, but next time I promise it will be short & sweet. _

_Review with your questions!  
>Also, if you want the question to be to a particular person, just say so. <em>


	2. Albus Dumbledore

_This is Dumbledore's answers... This will be the format for everyone else's, but with different questions._

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. I also need to give credit to Wiki, which supplied me with a list of all HP characters and general information about them. This list will help me write this. _

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><p><strong>Name: <strong>Albus Dumbledore

**Age: **I… uh… lost track.

**Occupation: **Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

**Questions:**

_**What is guacamole?**_

Well, that is a little bit of a strange question to send into the Ministry of Magic. I have, however, no problems with answering the good citizen's question. Guacamole is a food. It has the appearance of green mush, but is actually loved by many people. It is made of the vegetable known as avocado; it usually contains tomato as well. It is mostly used as a dip but, if you wanted to, I suppose there would be no harm in eating it by its lonesome. I hope that answers your question.

_**Why does He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named call himself Lord Voldemort?**_

This is an excellent question. You-Know-Who insists on being called Lord Voldemort because he is uncomfortable with his given name. He greatly dislikes his namesake, who happens to be his father. Lord Voldemort's real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle. He came up with the name Lord Voldemort by rearranging the letters within his given name. If you change the order of the letters in Tom Marvolo Riddle you will get the words _I Am Lord Voldemort_. I hope that this answer is satisfactory.

_**What is a compludor?**_

A compludor, you say? Ah, I believe you mean a _computer_. This is a completely Muggle contraption. It allows the Muggles to connect over what is called the _Internet_. It has a screen that shows something like the Muggle's version of a moving picture. On this computer, Muggles can research easily. Everything is stored in this _internet_ and so it is very easy to find information. Muggles can also keep in touch with people over this internet because they do not have owl post. This is the easiest method for them. It is quite a difficult question to answer, because you have to use simple terms when explaining it to a wizard. Wizards would need so much more information about the Muggle world before they really understood anything about their contraptions, such as the computer, which require _electricity_. I believe the explanation of electricity should be saved for a different day.

_**A cowboy rides into town on his horse Friday. He stays two day and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?**_

That is a common Muggle riddle. The answer is that his horse's name is Friday.

_**Are you an Animagus?**_

I think that is a rather personal question to be in the Wizarding FAQ, but no. I am not an Animagus.

_**What is the prophecy?**_

Cornelius! You are trying to get it out of me aren't you! Well, I refuse to answer this question… well- no! But- NO! AH! _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…. Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…and neither can live while the other survives…. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…. _I hate you Cornelius! Very clever, to place a version of Veritaserum on the parchment it seems…. You have just allowed me to spill classified information to the general public. I hope you are quite proud of yourself.

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><p><em>Next... McGonagall.<em>

_Review Please!_


	3. Minerva McGonagall

_***Read This***  
>I have decided to mark this as complete, because it is really always complete. You can read these two and then never come back, or you can alert it for more. <em>

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><p><strong>Name: <strong>Minerva McGonagall

**Age: **That is unnecessary and irrelevant.

**Occupation: **Transfiguration Professor and Deputy Headmistress at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

**Questions:**

_**What is bologna made out of?**_

I believe that is a fairly German recipe. It is often made out of many different meats. It could be considered a form of 'mystery meat' which I have heard is a frightening dish served in Muggle school lunchrooms.

_**Why is James Potter always pining after Lily Evans?**_

It is not really my place to say… but I feel the need to say something. In the strictest confidence, I believe the boy loves Ms. Evans. He asks her out constantly and I think that is his way of trying to show his affection. He always ends up humiliating her though, and she always rejects him. In reality, I think she does like him, but don't tell Mr. Potter this; the boy's head is already too large and I do not wish it to inflate any more. Don't tell Ms. Evans this either, I fear for my life. Redheads do have very fiery tempers.

_**What time is it?**_

What kind of question is this? I don't believe that the Ministry has reviewed these questions. Who allowed these questions to be sent out without first checking? These are not questions that I believe the Ministry would answer anyways. What is going on? Well, oh- it's five thirty-two in the evening! _HAPPY?_

_**Aren't punctuation marks strange?**_

AREN'T THESE _QUESTIONS _STRANGE? I'm being forced to answer…. I can feel it. Er- truth potion variation? I must inform the others…. I must answer this question…. Punctuation marks are fairly strange. The shapes vary greatly, but some are the same. There is no rhyme or rhythm to them really….

_**Why is the bear called Winnie the Pooh?**_

The bear is called Winnie the Pooh because…. Oh, I don't know! Does anyone know? Who cares? HE WAS JUST NAMED THAT! There is no reason!

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><p><em>I'm hoping that my humor skills will grow throughout this story. Who should I do next? Trelawney?<em>

_As I said in the summary as well, this is completely AU... The timeline is quite wack. Trelawney probably shouldn't be at Hogwarts at this time, but whatever. _

_Review, please... Do I have to dress my pleases? With pretties and such?_


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